When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I want to change. But I'm not sure how. Inside, I'm just a scared little girl. Not brave or heroic. I live inside the box, just barely peeking over the edge. I run away from conflict. I don't speak up for myself. I let people walk over me. I don't rock the boat. I'm full of fear and insecurity. I know in my head this is not how I should be thinking but, you see my heart is a locked vault. It was hurt way to many times in the past. I've learned to cope and fake and put on masks. I've also learned to pretend and blend in. I have a hard time trusting people, even the Lord. This is all very tiring. I want to change.
When I look in the mirror I don't want to be me. I seriously don't see how Jesus can love me. Me. One big mess. Oh sure I'm tidy on the outside but, that's becuase I'm pretending I don't want you to see the raw Erin. I have a poor persons mentality. I feel like there's not enough to go around, like somehow I'll get the short end of the stick or I'll go hungry or have to live off the streets or something. I don't believe in myself. Like somehow I can't change. I know there's something way down deep. But I don't see how a person like me can get from point A to point B. I know that everyone's "in process" but really I don't see any hope for me. There's wounds and I'd frankly rather not deal with them, they've gone unnoitced for quite some time and I'd like to keep it that way. Not because I'm afraid of change it's more like, that stuff is way to hard to mess with. And I give up to easily. So in the end I sabatoge relationships because I don't feel worthy of love, I push people away and don't let them get close.
But then, there's this annoying insistant bothering prick in my cold lifeless heart. I try to brush it away. Ugh, stop! Go Away! Your Annoying! Leave me alone! I want to stay in my cave. My prison…Reality sets in…I'm in a prison…
There's that poke again, ok fine what the heck do you want? What are you anyways?
HOPE!
What if….
What if I don't have to be this way, think this way, act this way.
What if there's something better. I know there is. His name is Jesus, no wound is to deep. No mess to big. But I'm ashamed of it. of me. this way of thinking, this way of behaving. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm a christian! What's wrong with me? I want to change! Someone help me please!
I have this life changing opportunity. To go and have my wilderness experience. I feel like the Lord wants us all to have one. That's when we come to the end of ourselves and experience new things, hard things nessecary things, things that make us change, that make us think differently. It's something bigger than ourselves. It's God working in us. I feel called to go on this journey, the team and I are scheduled to leave this Friday, June 22nd. I've been fund raising, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I still need $1000 dollars. Would you help save a life? My life? You see when I look in the mirror I don't want to see me, I want to see Jesus.
If you feel lead to give you can click on the support me! button and select the unknown trip option. It's really simple. Thank you for sharing in my journey and listening. I have hope because of people like you.
~Erin~
oh my! i think you shared what many people go through! I am so encouraged by you. walking in faith is what pleases our Father and you, dear, sweet girl are pleasing Him. so proud of you. we love you and miss you and are excited for you.
I wish I would have read this before we had coffee this morning because I would have hugged your forever. (:
WORTHY, WORTHY, WORTHY!!!!!!!
You are so freaking beautiful but this is something that you have to let the Lord whisper to you and you have to believe it. It doesn’t matter what anyone says…you have to hear the voice of the Lord on your own and you have to trust Him and believe that He is good because He is.
You are going to change as much as YOU want to Erin. Don’t underestimate yourself, you are stronger than you know because the Holy Spirit lives inside of you and He is one bold, strong, confident GOD. Don’t underestimate Him in you, just don’t do it! You are going to have to choose to walk through a lot of brokenness and it is going to be hard but there is SO much beauty in the brokenness. I promise. Just enjoy spending time with your Papa in the wildnerness. Be free, Be YOU and don’t look back. Just go! Walk in that boldness that I see inside of you. I love you so freaking much and am SOOO proud of you. You have so many people praying for you and loving you always!
Hey Erin, I think you’re perfectly die with being a Christian and have your struggles. When an ‘unbeliever’ becomes a believer, does his/her problems cease the moment of conversion. Certainly not. It takes time, and who’s to say how much time? I, like you, have issues with trusting people. Myths stems from me not knowing my biological father, and wondering as a kid why he left. Him not taking care of his responsibility (me), the naivety that we have as children was eliminated early on for me. I didn’t look up to people like some do. This had an upside though: I looked more so to God because I found little in man that was appealing to me. So my relationship with God grew as a result. But, I allowed this to be a detriment, not trusting at all in my fellow, fallible man. God has pointed out to me recently that I should have faith in people, knowing there is a real possibility to fail me. This is so because He continuously entrusts me with things (time, talent, money) despite me wasting them over and again. It’s a balancing act—trustinging God, trusting people and believing in yourself.
I often think of the absurdity of us (every person on the planet) not trusting God. Can He who has all knowledge and infinite understanding possibly be wrong? What are we saying when we don’t trust Him, that we know better? Of course, this is ridiculous. My intentions are not to be insensitive, but you are incorrect—you do believe in yourself, albeit unwisely. The only alternative to not trusting God is trusting or believing in ourselves more than in Him. This is a form of pride and idolatry that we all are guilty of.
Don’t think you have to fake, just because you might be surrounded by other ‘Christians’ that are probably doing the very same thing. We all have struggles, and will continue to have them—nobody’s name is Jesus Jr., we aren’t and will not be perfect. When we start a new job, we have someone ‘show us the ropes’ because we’re new to that setting and experience. Life is no different. None of us have ever lived before, so we must have someone ‘show us the ropes.’ Now who is qualified to do this, who has life experience that enables them to teach us how to live. I know of no other but the One who has always lived.
Our pride and idolatry (believing in ourselves more than in the One with perfect knowledge and infinite understanding) is a characteristic of beings that have never lives before, and subsequently don’t know how to live. We must be corrected. He, who will correct those whom he lives, will do just that. I don’t at all mean to be abrasive, but if He is using me to correct you, so be it. Whether we think too highly of ourselves or are focused on our inabilities and inadequecies, it’s pride and idolatry. In both instances, we are focused on ourselves and not God. I hope I helped, or have allowed Him to help you through me. I love you!
erin,
i see intelligence and courage and chutzpah in you and you are beautiful.
“What if I don’t have to be this way, think this way, act this way.
What if there’s something better. I know there is. His name is Jesus, no wound is to deep. No mess to big.”
so well put.
praying.
Thank you so much for your comments. I really felt your hearts. I leave today on my journey, and I’m taking what you’ve said with me! Please pray that God reveals His heart to me and that I RECIEVE IT! lol that’s the hardest part for me! love you guys!
~Erin~
My Sweet Erin. If you could only see what we see! If only you could tap into all the Christ created you to be, live and feel….FREEDOM in him to over come all these weights.
Not sure I shared this with you when we spent the day together but I want to remind you of this.
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It’s Time to Scrape Off the Barnacles!!!!
Barnacles are small molluscs that attach themselves to large ships.
One barnacle doesn’t make any difference to how a ship moves, neither does two.
I’m not sure what the tipping point is, but at some stage, there are so many barnacles that they start to have a negative impact.
Seaweed and other debris starts to get caught and the ship doesn’t move with as much efficiency as it used to.
And then it’s time for the owner of the ship to have the barnacles scraped from the hull.
Barnacles live only in marine or salt water environments. They live on hard surfaces at all latitudes at all depths from the intertidal zone to the deep sea. But as the ship begins to go into fresh water they start falling off because they can’t live!
The same is true for us as well.
There are things that can encroach upon our ability to meet our goals in life. They may be small and one or two may not have much of an impact, if any, but over time if we don’t deal with them, we will be dramatically slowed down in our aims, perhaps even sunk.
What could these barnacles be for us?
They could be a particular behaviour that leads to a habit that leads to an addition.
They could be as you have expressed,fear,insecurity,lack of confidence,no trust,no self worth and on and on…
They could be how we treat our body. Exercising less and less while eating more and more. (my battle)
They could be neglecting our relationship with God, gradually find less time to pray and read our bibles, or finding more excuses to not go to Church or spend time with other believers.
They could be how we think about others, gradually thinking less of those around us while expecting more from them.
They could be lies that we tell ourselves, justifying behaviour that we know is wrong on the basis that it doesn’t seem to hurt anyone else, or does it?
They could be our thought processes, with our responses to our circumstances gradually become less optimistic and more melodramatic.
Most of the above elements build up over time and will rarely bring us to a halt immediately.
But they will eventually.
This is a time in your life when you need to scrape the barnacles from your hull as you have let them slow you down in your mental capacity before they end up stopping you altogether. That’s what the enemy wants and you will NOT allow that because you have a STRONG support group just with the Cron’s alone !
Get those barnacles off that have been holding you back? This wilderness trip will be amazing for you. Just promise that all the barnacles that you chisel off while in the wilderness, you LEAVE them there and never allow them to attach themselves again!
I Love you my little Erin!!!