When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I want to change. But I'm not sure how. Inside, I'm just a scared little girl. Not brave or heroic. I live inside the box, just barely peeking over the edge. I run away from conflict. I don't speak up for myself. I let people walk over me. I don't rock the boat. I'm full of fear and insecurity. I know in my head this is not how I should be thinking but, you see my heart is a locked vault. It was hurt way to many times in the past. I've learned to cope and fake and put on masks. I've also learned to pretend and blend in. I have a hard time trusting people, even the Lord. This is all very tiring. I want to change.

           When I look in the mirror I don't want to be me. I seriously don't see how Jesus can love me. Me. One big mess. Oh sure I'm tidy on the outside but, that's becuase I'm pretending I don't want you to see the raw Erin. I have a poor persons mentality. I feel like there's not enough to go around, like somehow I'll get the short end of the stick or I'll go hungry or have to live off the streets or something. I don't believe in myself. Like somehow I can't change. I know there's something way down deep. But I don't see how a person like me can get from point A to point B. I know that everyone's "in process" but really I don't see any hope for me. There's wounds and I'd frankly rather not deal with them, they've gone unnoitced for quite some time and I'd like to keep it that way. Not because I'm afraid of change it's more like, that stuff is way to hard to mess with. And I give up to easily. So in the end I sabatoge relationships because I don't feel worthy of love, I push people away and don't let them get close.

              But then, there's this annoying insistant bothering prick in my cold lifeless heart. I try to brush it away. Ugh, stop! Go Away! Your Annoying! Leave me alone! I want to stay in my cave. My prison...Reality sets in...I'm in a prison...

               There's that poke again, ok fine what the heck do you want? What are you anyways?

                                                                 HOPE!

What if....

What if I don't have to be this way, think this way, act this way.

What if there's something better. I know there is. His name is Jesus, no wound is to deep. No mess to big. But I'm ashamed of it. of me. this way of thinking, this way of behaving. I don't want to be like this anymore. I'm a christian! What's wrong with me? I want to change! Someone help me please!

            I have this life changing opportunity. To go and have my wilderness experience. I feel like the Lord wants us all to have one. That's when we come to the end of ourselves and experience new things, hard things nessecary things, things that make us change, that make us think differently. It's something bigger than ourselves. It's God working in us. I feel called to go on this journey, the team and I are scheduled to leave this Friday, June 22nd. I've been fund raising, but that doesn't seem to be enough. I still need $1000 dollars. Would you help save a life? My life? You see when I look in the mirror I don't want to see me, I want to see Jesus.

If you feel lead to give you can click on the support me! button and select the unknown trip option. It's really simple. Thank you for sharing in my journey and listening. I have hope because of people like you.

~Erin~